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How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Vagina

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When I was 15, my mom had a major heart attack.

She was in a coma for a month.

She had a pacemaker implanted, but the surgery was too painful and the nurse didn’t know how to use it.

My mom, a devout Christian, told me that God loved me.

And then I found out about the miracle of birth control pills.

I knew what to do with them.

I went to a doctor and told him that I wanted a hysterectomy.

She said, “Well, you have to go to the doctor first.”

And I said, I have a hymen.

I told her, I want my vagina.

She looked at me and said, What?

That’s ridiculous.

I said I’m sorry, Mom, but I’m a virgin.

She thought for a second and said maybe I could have an abortion.

So I did the procedure.

When I got home I told my mom about it.

And I went home and cried and cried.

I cried for five months.

And when I came out of that house, I had a vagina.

I was like, That was crazy.

I got a hymens and a vagina for free.

I’m still a virgin and I still don’t have a vagina, but that’s okay.

I still think that my virginity is a miracle.

My vagina has become a symbol of the miracle that is my virginity.

Vagina pearl Harbor cast is on tour now.

I love you, vagina.

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